"The trance." Nadia took another sip from her wine. "I tried meditationand yoga and hypnosis as ways to treat myself without the medicine. Andthe more I practiced it, the more I wanted it. It didn't work, Icouldn't go in trance, but it was like waving a perfectly cooked steakin front of a starving woman. All I did was try to go into trance andresearch it and watch videos with it and listen to hypnofiles for it andread stories about it." What kind of stories?"Nadia smiled. "I'm not that drunk." Then finish the glass and tell me." Joanna winked at Nadia. The winkwas still grotesque, but now it was more of a private joke than anembarrassment."I like the idea of shutting down. I like the idea of turning off allthe buzzing and guessing and second guessing. I wanted someone to stripaway all the things I hate about myself. I wanted to be fixed, I mean,don't we all want to fixed? But I couldn't fix myself, and the medscould fix me, but at a terrible cost. I didn't want to pay that cost.And. We can talk when you wake up later." Okay mama," I said, and then I fell back asleep.The next morning I woke up early. Kimberly was there. I would learn later that she and Denise had each taken a shift sitting with me while I slept. Maybe they weren't all bad after all.I looked at Denise while she slouched in the chair fast asleep. I was lying in a bed with rails up on both sides."Denise," I said, "Hey Denise."She just slept."Hey Denise," I said even louder, but she continued to snore softly."DENISE!"Her eyes flew open and it took her a second to realize where she was, then she looked at me and smiled.I found this to be strange, as Denise rarely smiled at me, and normally if she did, it was because she was about to tease me or do something that I knew I wouldn't like."Hey runt," she said, "How you feeling?" I gotta pee," I said, "Help me get the rails down. Where is the bathroom?" The nurse was just in here a while ago to take your temperature. She said that you couldn't get out of.
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